Wednesday, February 7, 2007

You Can't Always Get What You Want

As a working mom, I want it all. I want time with my family, a career, a home-cooked meal every night, a daughter that can self-soothe and fall back to sleep...

At 3:01 this morning, LP cried out. So, I jumped up and ran into her room to put her pacifier in her mouth in hopes that this would quickly lull her back into sleep. I get into her room, and she is up on all fours, looking at me. I still try to shove the pacifier in her mouth and she gently grabs my hand, like "Mommy, I want you, not the pacifier." This kills me. But after getting the pacifier in her mouth, I leave the room.

She cries for maybe a minute longer and then is silent. I wait 10 minutes or so and instead of falling back asleep like I should, I get up to check on her. It takes me a moment to even see her - she is at the far end of her crib, laying across the crib, up on all fours, looking at me. Crap! I quickly back out of the room.

I get back into bed and try to convince myself to fall back asleep. But I can't. I think about how there are still bumpers in her crib and blankets (I know this isn't the best idea, but she has always slept with blankets). What if she falls asleep with something covering her nose? (Oh, lord! I have turned into my worrying mother!) So, 10 minutes later (it is 3:30 or so now), I creep back in and confirm she is sleeping like a little angel - across her crib, on her belly.

And today I am exhausted. But it is my own *&%$ fault.

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